Kenshin and Friends go to Space!
by Evil Scientist
Summary: Welcome to Starship Oro. The Kenshingumi pilot this ship, and generally mess things up as only they can do. On hiatus, undergoing editing.
1. The saga begins

In this story someone has been dumb enough to give Kenshin and crew a spaceship. Now they are sailing around the galaxy tazing and exploding people instead of stabbing them.

Disclaimer: The day I own Rurouni Kenshin and Soul Caliber is the day Shaq becomes the tooth fairy.

"Welcome to starship Oro," Kenshin said ominously. "Your apprentice training begins today, Yahiko"

"Great. What are we going to do?" Yahiko quipped. The crew had been refueling on the planet of Glyzscrthen, the Planet of Many Consonants, when he had tried to pickpocket them. The man before him, with his strange purple eyes and red ponytail, had quickly apprehended Yahiko, and, liking his spirit, offered him an apprenticeship on the starship.

"Well, first we have to get you some proper clothing," Kenshin lectured, staring at Yahiko's tattered, once white shirt. Kenshin was dressed in a metallic silver space suit with the symbol that they have star trek suits, but it was crossed out. Instead it said S.O. Yahiko surmised that they were tight for funds. His long sleeves came down to his wrists, and the legs went down a little past his knees where they were met by shiny black boots, buckled tightly to his feet. A gun holster was slung around his waist. His flaming ponytail stuck out the back of his suit.

They walked down the slick metal corridor in silence, their footsteps echoing down the polished halls. They came to a heavy door that slid open at a swipe of Kenshin's ID card.

Inside, they found rows of metallic space uniforms hanging neatly on racks. Sano was sitting in the middle of the room in his underwear (briefs, not boxers). He had a pair of safety scissors and was cutting a jagged hole in the top of one of his spacesuits.

"That's Sanosuke Sagara, one of our gunners. He's been depressed ever since we first got these uniforms," Kenshin whispered to Yahiko. "Because they flatten down all your hair, he came out of the dressing room two feet shorter. Kaoru nearly wet her pants laughing. Now he cuts holes in the top so his hair can fit through and he looks tall again."

Yahiko bit his lip, trying not to laugh.

As they walked past Sano Kenshin remarked, "Why are you using the safety scissors, Sano?"

"The Fox Lady took the sharp ones away after I threw them at her head."

"Oh," Kenshin said nonchalantly, as though that were a perfectly normal occurrence. Yahiko began to get a little scared.

Sanosuke, having finished cutting his hole, looked up at them. "You guys best scram, I'm gonna get back at the Fox Lady by cutting holes in her suits where her boobs go, and I don't want anyone to know what I'm doing."

"Then why did you just tell us?" Yahiko wondered.

"Uhhhh…You're really annoying, you know that kid?"

"You are hopeless Sano, that you are. Let's go get you a uniform, Yahiko."

Kenshin led Yahiko to one of the back racks, where they found Yahiko a uniform that was his size.

They walked down the hall, both looking cool in their chrome suits with classy gun holsters. Kenshin's gun was huge, with all sorts of gauges and pipes and pointy things. The overall effect was to make you think that this thing could destroy a building in one shot. Yahiko, however, in the spirit of true apprentices, had a wooden gun. He was quite worked up about it, when he was in his street gang they trusted him with all sorts of weapons! He was no child. He was not even listening as Kenshin gave him the grand tour.

"...And this," Kenshin was saying. "Is the navigation/control room. These guys make sure that we approach something disastrous at least once a show so that we can have a plot. Let's go inside, shall we?"

Meanwhile inside the control room

The room was set up with a large projector in the middle showing a 3D model of the ship. It was a nice blue color, cruising along unobstructed. Opposite the main entrance was a large window looking out into the void of space. There were smaller screens below and around it, showing readouts of numbers and coordinates indecipherable to those untrained. Those who were trained knew that they were really the latest AstroBall players' statistics.

A dark haired woman was debating a white bearded man on the finer points of the sport, including the fact that the necessity of having a player with a good PPG average did not overshadow the need for a good player to backup the two Linerunners, something her counter part disagreed with feverently.

A few young men had their guns et to stun and they were going at one another, hiding behind chairs and equipment to fire off quick red darts at one another, scorching the walls.

A short, spry woman who seemed to have just began growing into herself was sitting on the edge of a chair containing a solemn, ice eyed man. He was the only one who was watching the readouts with any sort of dedication to his work.

"Hate to break up this love fest," interrupted the solemn man observing the video feed. "But we have a code 237-B! Quick, everybody, look like you're working! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!"

In less than 5 seconds, the all traces of gaming had vanished, including the scorches on the wall and everyone was sitting at their stations. They had obviously drilled this several times.

Kenshin and Yahiko walked in. "How goes the work?" asked Kenshin

"Good! We're doing a scan for any black holes in the vacinity." reported Misao, no longer on Aoshi's chair.

"Excellent! Those always make for a great plot line!"

"Alright, we've seen enough," Kenshin declared. "Lets go meet the weapons master!"

I won't bore you with a desperate plea for reviews, but I would appreciate them

Damn, I've always been such a hypocrite.


	2. Comfy chairs, cussing, and red buttons

I did not get the reviews I wanted but someone put this story on their favorites list, so I went ahead and did the next chapter.  
  
Disclaimer:  
  
Game Show Host: This is your final question, worth 1,000,000 dollars. Does the author of this story own Ruroni Kenshin?  
  
Guest: Ummmmmmmmm...yes?  
  
Host: Wrong! A large anvil that falls from nowhere squashes [the participant] Join us next time on Get it right...OR DIE! ,, (That's the vampire smiley)  
  
Kenshin and Yahiko leave for the weapon master's room. Once again, their footsteps echo in the deserted metal hallways. They went around several twists and turns but finally came to a door that had the sign "Weapon Master" on the front.  
  
"The weapon master is in charge of building all the guns and lasers that we need on this ship," Kenshin explained. "She make deatomatizing rays, atomification receptors, quantum phasers, Super-blow-em-up-3000's, and wooden guns, such as yours."  
  
"Woah, explain this in English please," Yahiko suggested.  
  
"Deatomatizing rays vaporise people. Atomification receptors are teleport devices. Quantum phasers stun people. Super-Blow-em-up-3000s blow stuff up. And wooden guns have no function whatsoever.  
  
"Thanks for the confidence"  
  
"No problem"  
  
"What kind of gun do you have?"  
  
"I have a super quantum deatomification blower upper 3000 ½!...But I don't believe in killing," he added belatedly.  
  
"Cool"  
  
"Tell me about it," Kenshin agreed. "Let's see what she's up to. Now, I understand you are to be her apprentice, right?"  
  
"Yep"  
  
Kenshin swiped his card and the doors open. They walked in. The room was white with lots of blueprints and notes tacked to the walls. A wooden sword was hanging near the back of the room. There was a desk with all kinds of machine parts scattered on it. In the middle there was a huge incomplete laser, over which a young woman with black hair was bending, mumbling darkly.  
  
[The following segment has been edited by the People Against Swearing, Dammit!]  
  
"F you, you stupid laser. My dead grandma is in better shape than you, you son of a B!" There was a small explosion and a puff of horrid smoke rised everywhere. "I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU FING PIECE OF CRAP!"  
  
"As you can see," Kenshin whispered. "We like to maintain a positive, worker friendly atmosphere."  
  
"-A dog fed you mother is the $$, you fing basd!  
  
Yahiko stared wide eyed with a mixture of amaze and delight.  
  
"Ummmmmmmm, Miss Kaoru?" Kenshin asked timidly.  
  
"Kenshin! Just the person I was looking to see! Could you hold this for a sec?" Suddenly cheerful, she handed Kenshin her screwdriver and plucked the wooden sword off her wall. "And now behold the ancient Kamiya-Kashin style of machine repair!"  
  
She started whacking the machine with her sword.  
  
"Miss Kaoru, this guy is here to be your apprentice, but you seem busy so we'll just be leaving now..."  
  
Kenshin and Yahiko rushed out.  
  
"Will she teach me to cuss like that?" Yahiko asked excitedly.  
  
"Probabl-I mean, no, definitely not" Kenshin replied. Changing the subject, he said, "Shall we go see the cockpit?"  
  
"Sure!" Yahiko was excited to see the place where the ship is steered.  
  
"Great! Hiko, Sano, and I work in the cockpit. We receive transmissions from the navigation/control room telling us where to go. Then we set course for the nearest impending disaster. Since I'm the captain, I also get to sit in the cool chair and bark orders without ever actually doing anything. It's fun!" Kenshin puffed out his chest with pride.  
  
After walking through even more metal hallways in which their footsteps echoed, They arrived at the cockpit. They entered the cool slidey doors with a swipe of Kenshin's card.  
  
The cockpit had computers, buttons, and gauges lining the sides. Except for in the right corner, where there were two tall, clear tubes, large enough to fit a person. There were some gauges and control panels next to them on a pole. There was a large screen in the middle of the far wall. Kenshin's plush, pink comfy chair sat in the middle of the room on a pink carpet.  
  
"Yay, Comfy Chair!" Kenshin squeals. He ran over and started rubbing his cheek against it.  
  
Hiko stepped up from his computer and walked over. "Good to see some new blood around here. I'm getting sick of you, Kenshin."  
  
Kenshin frowned. Yahiko giggled.  
  
"Let me show you around," Hiko declared. "Back to work, Kenshin!"  
  
"Yes master."  
  
"Now Yahiko, this is the main steering computer. You can set the ship's destination on this thing, and then it will steer itself. Over here is the atomification receiver and the deatomizing transmitter," he said, pointing to the cylinders.  
  
"What the-?"  
  
"The teleporty thingies. You can teleport to any of the rooms in this ship, but you have to do all sorts of preparations before hand to make sure they are ready to receive you, so its usually easier to walk. Don't tell the weapon master that, though, or she will kill you."  
  
"Got it."  
  
"This big screen is for receiving and sending video messages."  
  
"You mean you can see people talking to you in that cool screen?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Excellent!"  
  
"Now over here we have..." Hiko pointed out several different computers, each with their own function, like activating the left prong blaster deflectors, gauging the engine heat, and disabling the life support systems.  
  
"Cool, Hiko, but what's that one for?" Yahiko pointed to a computer screen with pictures of naked women on the screen.  
  
"Oh, uh...that's my...errmm that's...well, I guess you could say it's the entertainment..."  
  
"...AAAAAAAAAAAND finally," Hiko concluded. "Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER, EVER EVEN IF IT MEANS THE DOOM OF THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE touch that red button," He pointed at a red button on the wall near the door.  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"It puts us into hyper red alert psycho-thriller wet-your-pants important climax to a movie mode."  
  
At that very moment, Sanosuke walked in, complete with a suit that showed his hair. "Hey guys," he said, leaning against the wall and accidentally pushing the red button with his shoulder.  
  
Immediately, red lights started flashing and a voice says: "Now entering hyper red alert psycho-thriller wet-your-pants important climax to a movie mode"  
  
"What happens now?" Yahiko asked.  
  
"Nothing. That's all it does, as far as we can tell,' Hiko said cheerfully.  
  
"I push it once in a while just for fun 'cuz I like to scare the new people. Plus having seizures when the lights come on is fun." He falls on the floor and starts twitching. "Seizurific!"  
  
Yahiko wasn't even surprised. On a chip this messed up, things got weirder by the second.  
  
Suddenly, Misao's face came on the big screen. You could see the rest of the Oniwaban crew playing Soul Caliber II in the background. "We've detected an approaching enemy ship. Distance 25 leagues, speed 250 Leagues per hour. They'll be here in about ten minutes, sir. [At this point Aoshi, still maching buttons yelled "Well DUH!] What should we do?"  
  
Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cliffhanger!  
  
If you can't wait for the next chappie, the more you review the faster I'll write it! Click that little button and we will all be happy!  
  
No, not "happy", happy, Dammit! ./. 


	3. Chair Fumes, Laser Thingies, and helium

I'm so glad people reviewed! - Thanks to everyone who did.  
  
Disclaimer: I can use substitution to solve the linear pair but I can't get my hands on a little TV show... MATH THEACHES YOU NOTHING!  
  
"Well, page the weapon's master and tell her to ready the guns. Then bring me some coffee. Then MAN YOU BATTLESTATIONS!" Hiko yelled  
  
"What am I supposed to do?" Yahiko wanted to know.  
  
"Help my blow the opposition to hell."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Hey!" Kenshin objected, coming out of his comfy chair mode. "Who's the captain here?"  
  
"That's right. You are the captain," Hiko said. "And you get to sit in the comfy chair!"  
  
"I do? YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" Kenshin sat in the chair and did his best to look official. "Now what?"  
  
"Sir," said one of the nameless characters working in the cockpit that I just added for plot convenience. "We're receiving a message from the enemy ship now."  
  
"Put them up on the screen, nameless character working in the cockpit that was just added for plot convenience," said Hiko in one breath.  
  
Sojiro appeared, looking very official in a blue spacesuit with white gloves. He began to speak in a deep voice, "Greetings, Starship Oro. Hey wait a minute! Where's my helium!?"  
  
"Here you are sir," said another nameless character that I just added for plot convenience, handing Sojiro a balloon.  
  
Sojiro takes a long draft from the balloon and begins to speak in his normal, high, girly voice, "Greetings starship Oro. This is captain Sojiro speaking of starship S.o.D. I want you to surrender immediately or..." He took another draft of helium-"I will blow you all to hell to join my old friend Shishioh."  
  
Kenshin responded, "Sure. I'd much rather be enslaved than get blown to hell or survive and have to listen to The Happy Voices yell at me!  
  
Hiko grabbed the microphone from Kenshin and said, "Don't mind him, he's been sniffing chair fumes. What he means to say is: [in dramatic voice] I will never give up!" A wind started blowing from nowhere and ruffled Hiko's hair, making him look very heroic.  
  
"Good! I'd much rather fight anyway!" Sojiro squealed.  
  
The image on the screen disappeared.  
  
"With my new super-blow-em-up-3000 we can pulverize them!" Kaoru, who had walked in during Sojiro's message, yelled while punching her fist into her palm.  
  
Megumi, who the author just realized should -technically- be in this story, responded, "But I'm sure Sir Ken does not want to resort to violence!" She strode over and perched herself on the armrest of Kenshin's chair. Taking his hand, she said femininely, "Do you, Sir Ken?"  
  
"AAAAAAAAHHHH!" Kenshin wailed. "Stop humping comfy chair!"  
  
"Is he high?" Megumi asked the people in the room.  
  
"Like you wouldn't believe," Hiko said absently.  
  
Kaoru, ever seeking to please Kenshin, had to agree, "So we need a non- violent plan to win. Any ideas?"  
  
The room was silent. For a very long time.  
  
"OOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."  
  
"Sano, why the hell are you making that noise?" asked Kaoru irritably.  
  
"Cause Sojiro's laser thingy has just pointed itself right at us," he said, pointing out the window that just appeared for plot convenience.  
  
"Oh crap!"  
  
There was a crash and the ship jerked violently. Everyone tumbled to the floor.  
  
Hiko stood up and ran around to each of the computers, turning on the deflector shields and whatnot with great ease and coolness. The rest of the people stood up more slowly, clutching their heads, arms, stomachs, and, in Sano's case, an appendage that I will not name here. Megumi's foot had "accidentally fallen" in the wrong place as payback for her suit, which now had some interesting patchwork on it. [vague reference to chapter one alert].  
  
Sojiro's face came back onto the screen, and he taunted them mercilessly about the laser, threatening that they should surrender or they will get more. Once he was done, he walked away from the screen, forgetting to turn it off, and left the room. One of the nameless characters inserted for plot convenience was still in the room, polishing the machinery.  
  
Yahiko's eyes lit up. He obviously had a plan. Grabbing the mike, he yelled, "Hey you! Polishing the machinery!"  
  
The guy looked up.  
  
"Do you give Sojiro his helium?"  
  
The guy nodded.  
  
"Would you be willing to poison him for us?"  
  
"What's in it for me?"  
  
"We'll...uhhhhh...errrr...pay you?"  
  
"How much?"  
  
"I've got a better idea," declared Kaoru as she snatched the mike. "If you kill Sojiro for us we promise we won't blow your ass to hell with our canons!"  
  
"...It's a deal!"  
  
"We will fire our cannons in four hours. You have until then to have him dead."  
  
"Okay."  
  
Kaoru turned off the screen. "Okay, now we wait."  
  
The following section is for screaming fangirls of Kenshin who insist that he would never get high. Stop reading once you have read the section for your particular obsession.  
  
Screaming fangirls of Kenshin: It was not Kenshin's fault that he got high. Sano was using the chair as a place to hide drugs.  
  
Screaming Fan Girls of Sano: Hiko made him do it.  
  
Screaming Fan Girls of Hiko: The evil klotrilytii brainwashed him.  
  
Screaming Fan girls of Klotritytii: Skleeb nkokk klyt dirklikke.  
  
Thank you, and please NO flaming on this matter. Case closed.  
  
Now review, so I will do more! 


	4. Mailbox heads, plotting, and lightning

And we are back with another chapter of arguably the weirdest, most plotless fanfic out there. Because of that, we have been deemed "Quality entertainment". WOO-HOO!  
  
Disclaimer: .....................zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.........................zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz............ I....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz................don't own....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..........RK!  
  
That was officially the lamest disclaimer yet.  
  
***  
  
In this chapter we will be observing the antics of the RK crew as they wait. First, let's check in on our beloved Kenshin:  
  
Kenshin was curled up like a cat in the comfy chair, purring (yes, -purring-) and rubbing his head against it. Hiko walked up and asked him casually, "What the hell are you doing?"  
  
"Marking my territory!"  
  
Hiko injected Kenshin with some sort of drug, hopefully to bring him back to reality, and walked away.  
  
----Meanwhile----  
  
Aoshi, Misao, and the Oni Waban Group were having a tournament in a random racing game. Aoshi and Misao were, of course, neck in neck for first. Suddenly, Aoshi crashed into the wall and his car went up in a breathtaking explosion of fire.  
  
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Wall-face! Now I will triumph!" Cried Misao, triumphantly. Duh.  
  
"What, so now we're just making up insults by stringing two totally non- related words together?" Aoshi asked sarcastically. "Cow-Nose!"  
  
"Why you... Mailbox-head!"  
  
"Tree-Breath!"  
  
"Ice-Foot!"  
  
"Chair-Ears!"  
  
"Carpet-Face!"  
  
"Printer legs!"  
  
"Weasel-Groin!"  
  
Aoshi was taken aback. Misao had outdone him! And, he thought his groin looked more like a- I'll leave you to finish that sentence.  
  
Okay, enough of Aoshi's thoughts.  
  
----Meanwhile----  
  
Sano was plotting to get back at Megumi. Plotting...plotting...plotting...plotting so hard he got red in the face...plotting...OH MY GOD HE'S GONNA BLOW!  
  
----Meanwhile----  
  
Hiko: (sitting around smoking, talking to Yahiko) have you realized this plot makes no sense?  
  
Yahiko: (shakes head)  
  
Hiko: Well, we have threatened that minion of Sojiro that if he doesn't poison him in four hours, we will blow him to hell. BUT there is no reason that Sojiro can't blow us up while we sit here.  
  
Yahiko: I never thought of that.  
  
Divine voice, speaking from nowhere: STOP INFORMING THE READERS! IF THEY FIGURE OUT THAT THERE –IS-- NO PLOT, YOU ALL ARE OUT OF JOBS!  
  
Readers: What? We're outta here!  
  
Divine Voice: Wait! I'm just the embodiment of the voices in Hiko's head. I don't know anything!  
  
Readers: Oh, okay then.  
  
Hiko: (causually) are you the author?  
  
Divine voice: Authoress, thank you very much.  
  
Hiko: Yeah, well I've got some questions. Number one, who's really the captain on this ship? Number two, why am I smarter than all of the other characters combined?  
  
Everyone else: HEY!  
  
Author (ess): Me, for the first one, and you're not, for the second one.  
  
Hiko: (Looks around at Kenshin rubbing the chair, Aoshi and Misao name- calling, Kaoru staring intently at the monitors, Sano's head splattered all over the floor, and Megumi casually wiping it up) Yeah, sure I'm not the smartest!  
  
Hiko: Number three, is Kenshin gay?  
  
Everyone else: (stares)  
  
Author (ess): Just why would you want to know that Hiko, hmm?  
  
Hiko: Just wondering...  
  
Hiko: And finally, why have we suddenly reverted to the script format? Are you on crack? Would you share?  
  
Author (ess): err...no... (Shifty glance) AND YOU TRY TO KEEP COMING UP WITH SYNONYMS FOR "SAID"!  
  
Hiko: Use the computer thesaurus, duh!  
  
Author (ess): NEVER! And for that, YOU SHALL BE PUNISHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Lightning flashes from nowhere and turns Hiko into a pile of ash) IF ANYONE ELSE WANTS TO ARGUE ABOUT THE SCRIPT, THINK AGAIN! (Mutters) Just don't hurt yourself. Heehee...  
  
------Meanwhile, outside of script format-------  
  
Kaoru, who had been staring at the monitors so intently her eyes had turned red and doubled in size, yelled, "We're down to 10 minutes! If Sojiro's not dead in 10 minutes we fire our cannons! Sano, cue the suspenseful music!"  
  
Sano, who was magically put back together, flicked a switch on the dashboard. Suddenly, the most unspeakable, most horrible, most terribly inhumane thing to ever be unleashed on the human race began playing on the speakers.  
  
You guessed it, Hillary Duff! "You can change your life, if you wanna, you can change your clothes, if you wanna. If you cange your mind, well that's the way it goes..."  
  
Sano immediately started singing along, to the amusement of all, including the pile of ash that was Hiko. "...At least not today, not today, not today!"  
  
Kaoru does an anime fall. (A/N That's what you call it right?) "That's not the suspenseful music! I told you that CD is crap with a capital K! I mean C! You know what I mean, dammit!  
  
Sano, looking crestfallen, flicked a lever and the suspenseful music with violins started playing. And just in time, too!  
  
***  
  
Cliffhanger! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahaha hah hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahah hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahah hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahah hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahah hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahah hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahah hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahah HA!  
  
Review if you care about what will happen next. If I offended you, as is likely, flame me. It's a review, after all! Please try to be constructive, though. 


	5. Coppers and script format

And now we will have the much overdue response to reviewers section. Please do not respond to the response I give you, because that would be considered chat, AND NOW WAY IN HELL I'M TAKING CHANCES ON THIS ONE! YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME, COPPERS!!!!!!!  
  
Ehem. That said, on to the response. If I have forgotten you (cue sappy music) know that my thanks for you lies within my heart, not on screen.  
  
Jade: Glad you liked it.  
  
RurouniKenshinMoonWolf: You have no idea how right you are. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And really, for one of my stories, the characters are pretty smart. I will take it into consideration though.  
  
FungMasterPlue:?  
  
Shaolin 10: I hope the urges to update mean you liked it. And good job being subtle.  
  
Lady Amakakeru: You realize that you use the word "die" more than any other word in the English language, right?  
  
Glasclach: Hadn't thought of the gun. Good idea! ^-^  
  
Chris: Glad I gave you inspiration. And the chapters being the same was just a minor bug, but I got it all fixed.  
  
Angrybee: Praise coming from you means a lot (cause your stories are awesome). Thanks!  
  
If you have just gotten a barf bag and puked, hang onto it (The bag, not the puke), because you will most likely need it for this chapter.  
  
***  
  
Hearing Kaoru's message, Hiko bellowed, "Enough playtime! Get back to work!"  
  
Everyone manned their posts, Kaoru on the gigantic controls for the mian gun, Hiko in the window seat, barking orders, Yahiko at Hiko's side Aoshi and Misao on the left and right side sub-cannons, Sano on the deflector shield control, Kenshin petting the comfy chair as if it were a cat, and Megumi taking over Kenshin's spot at the communication screen.  
  
"I wonder what happened to the poisoner?" mused Yahiko aloud.  
  
"Probably got caught and executed," Hiko replied emotionlessly. "It was a good plan though... Oh Jesus, it's him!"  
  
"Who's him?"  
  
Hiko pointed out the window. A silvery spacecraft with cannons sticking out the sides and an oblong slit for a view panel was hovering near Sojiro's spacecraft. A police siren was on the top, flashing lights and blaring that annoying waily sound so loud it could be heard inside their ship.  
  
Hiko, who decided that he was going to be a smart-ass –again-, commented, "You've screwed up again, authoress. Sound can't travel in space, so how can we hear the siren? Answer that, bitch!  
  
Divine voice, a.k.a. author (ess): WELL NOW SOUND CAN TRAVEL IN SPACE! AND SO CAN LIGHTNING--  
  
"Which technically can't be happening because there is no atmosphere."  
  
Author (ess): SHUT UP!  
  
"Oh, and two more things: why do you insist upon talking in the script format? And why do you talk in capital letters? Is it some pathetic attempt to take up space?  
  
Author (ess): I WILL TALK IN ANY FORMAT I CHOOSE! AND, JUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME, THE ONLY REASON I TALK LIKE THIS IS BECAUSE THE "CAPS LOCK" BUTTON IS STUCK!  
  
"Then how can I speak in lowercase letters?"  
  
Author (ess): I'M HOLDING THE SHIFT BUTTON DOWN!  
  
"OKAY!"  
  
At this point, Kaoru interjected, "Ummm, as charming as this conversation is, can we please get back to the important stuff? Like the ship with the police sirens?"  
  
Author(ess): GOODBYE! (Disappears, though technically she never showed up in the first place...)  
  
Hiko declared that that ship belonged to Saitou Hajime, and he was probably here to arrest Sojiro for some random crime. He was definitely not here to arrest anyone on the ship. Right?  
  
Hearing the word "Saitou" Kenshin immediately flashed back to his last encounter with the policeman.  
  
~~~  
  
"Battousai," hissed Saitou, wearing his ever-neat police uniform. It was too scared of him to ever fall out of place. "I have substantial evidence that that chair has been used as a place to store illegal narcotics until the point at which they are sold or consumed by the dealer himself.  
  
[At that point, Sano glanced shiftily around the room.  
  
At that point, Hiko glanced shiftily around the room.  
  
At that point, the evil Klotrilytii, monitoring them from their surveillance cameras, glanced shiftily around the room.]  
  
"Therefore I will have to confiscate it"  
  
"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Kenshin wailed. "You can take my life, but PLEASE don't take comfy chair! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
"Wait a sec," Hiko asked. "Why are you confiscating the chair and not arresting him?"  
  
"That chair has a more incriminating record than Zanza!"  
  
"Hey!" Sano yelled. "So I don't pay all my bills all the time. That doesn't mean that I'm a bad guy!"  
  
"It also says here that you got drunk and ran through the halls of the inter-galactic senate building yelling, 'THE BRITISH ARE COMING! THE BRITISH ARE COMING!' while the most important meeting in a thousand years was going on--"  
  
"Uhhh..."  
  
"Attempted to sneak a nuclear bomb out of the Danarian Weapons Headquarters by HIDING IT IN YOUR PANTS! —"  
  
"Oh yeah... haha"  
  
"Assaulted someone for talking on their Quantum cell phone to loudly [ A/N: Quantum cell phone patented by EvilScientistCorp. Mwahahahaha!]—"  
  
"She was disturbing the peace!"  
  
"Attached suction cups to your hands and climbed up the glass wall of the sacred Tsai-Kin monument in your underwear while singing the spider man theme song..."  
  
"O-Kay...That's enough, I get the picture!"  
  
Hiko took the opportunity to ask, "So what has the chair done?"  
  
"That chair has claimed the lives of over 40 of the world's best starship captains... HEY WAIT A SEC! Battousai, go ahead and keep the chair!"  
  
~~~  
  
"Sir, we're receiving a message from the ship calling itself the Aku Soku Zan."  
  
"Put them up on screen."  
  
When the face of Saitou Hajime, universally-renowned policeman, captain of the Shipsengumi, the man with the iciest demeanor since the 4000-degree below zero planet Callidum blew up, appeared on screen, it was quite possibly the most traumatic sight that the crew had ever seen, a sight that would haunt them for decades to come.  
  
***  
  
ANOTHER cliffhanger. If you think you are getting sick of them, you best reconsider. I know what I'm going to do for the next chapter, and if I get a few reviews I will have it up soon. 


	6. Slowmo dives and rapper clans

Disclaimer: Didya miss me? Didya? Didya? Didya? The Authoress let me go on vacation to Jurassic Park, but she only gave me one ticket! I had to swim home! That's why I wasn't around last chappie! ^-^  
  
Author (ess): YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GET EATEN!  
  
Disclaimer: ...You don't love me? I THOUGHT WHAT WE HAD WAS SPECIAL! (Cries in corner)  
  
Author (ess): Don't cry! I'll...create a girlfriend for you.  
  
Disclaimer: *sniff* ...really?  
  
Author (ess): Yeah! She'll be ready by next chapter!  
  
Disclaimer: YAY! ^-^  
  
Author (ess): Now, do your job.  
  
Disclaimer: THE AUTHOR (ESS) DOES NOT OWN RUROUNI KENSHIN.  
  
***  
  
I don't really know where that segment came from. I think that the way people label the disclaimer with the colon sparked the idea that it was a living entity, merely communicating in script format. Or something.  
  
***  
  
WAIT! Before I begin this chapter you should know that I do not know much about rap and the culture surrounding it, so if you find something wrong or that I could do better, tell me nicely. This chapter was not meant to be offensive or accurately depict rappers, merely parody all of the images we see on TV and in the media. No flames.  
  
***  
  
"OH MY GOD!" Kamiya Kaoru promptly had a heart attack. Megumi rushed over and dragged her out of the room, presumably taking her to the hospital wing. Hiko looked pale. Misao screamed in terror. Aoshi pinched himself then clutched his head. Sanosuke fainted dead away. Yahiko burst out laughing. Kenshin actually stopped petting the comfy chair and looked up.  
  
Saitou Hajime had gone Gangsta Rapper. And we mean the whole nine yards. You know, baggy pants with chains dangling off them, a blue & black baggy jacket over a white undershirt, the jacket read: 'Aku Soku Zanzizzle', silver chain necklace (bling) shaped like a wolf's head, and a sideways baseball cap.  
  
"Yo! Sup, homies?" Saitou asked.  
  
Sanosuke, recovered from the little fainting incident, took over. "Don't worry, I speak rap," he whispered. Then, tuning to Saitou, he made the peace sign, banged it twice on his chest, and then said, "YO! Bling Bling, Homies!" [A/N: That was for you Shaolin 10!]  
  
Everyone, including Saitou, burst out laughing. Saitou switched back to his normal voice and manner of speech, then explained to them that his outfit was part of the Shipsengumi's alliance with the rapper clans. Apparently, the rappers had a lot of influence. Saitou was helping to strengthen the ties by adopting their culture, and he found that he rather liked it. He then asked permission for him and his 'home dogs' to come eat dinner on Starship Oro, as a symbol of alliance.  
  
"You wanna eat with –us-? Don't you hate our guts?" Hiko asked suspiciously.  
  
"We're all bruthas, yo, and we gotta stick togetha."  
  
"Hmmm..." Hiko turned and addressed the crew. "What do you think?"  
  
He was promptly assaulted with several vociferous opinions on the subject of having dinner with a bunch of rappers. Since he could discern no actual words, he simply assumed that was a yes. Which it most definitely was not. He turned and opened his mouth to reply to Saitou, and Misao, in awesome slow motion, jumped from behind Kenshin's chair and dove for Hiko.  
  
Hiko began to speak in the really deep voices you hear when in slow motion. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-"  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Misao flew majestically through the air, towards everyone's favorite Hiten Mitsurugi teacher. Amazingly, he didn't sense the attack. Behold the powers of the author (ess).  
  
Misao hit Hiko headfirst at the knees (he's tall, remember), causing him to bend his legs, then topple forward, arms wheeling, face first onto the ground. Misao followed him, her momentum sending her to the ground.  
  
For a second, everyone stood still. Then another second. Then another. And another. Finally, the person editing the film realized that he had sat on the clicker, pausing the film accidentally. He extracted the clicker from his butt (allow 3-7 days), he pushed play again.  
  
After a second, Misao sat up, rubbing her head. In response to the queer looks she was getting, she simply stated in a quiet voice, "Well, you have to admit it was pretty cool."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Can't argue with that."  
  
"Right on! Catch ya in three hours. Peace, I'm out." Saitou had interpreted their agreement with Misao's statement as consent. He stopped his transmission before anyone could correct him. The damage was done.  
  
***  
  
Next chapter: The KenshinGumi discover the rapper meaning of party. Flee in terror.  
  
Sorry this chapter was so short. I just wanted to post something. After the initial idea of gangsta Saitou was spent, I kinda ran out of ideas. Suggestions for next chapter welcome! 


	7. Sake, translations and rice balls

Hello. To get me to FINALLY update Shaolin 10 came over and is going to help me write this. Say hi to the fans, Shaolin.

Shaolin 10: dorky wave HI!

Disclaimer: SO? Do I get a girlfriend now?

Evil Scientist: Well, nobody wanted to date a guy named "disclaimer" sooooooooooooooooooo...no.

But we did find a reality TV show you could go on. It's called: "Who wants to date a guy that doesn't even really exist?"

Shaolin 10: Let's meet the contestants!

Number 1!

Camera zoom to curtain number 1

She enjoys moonlight walks on the beach, planning total world domination, marrying multiple anime guys, sharp pointy objects and becoming a Mormon for the heck of it. She just got out of therapy for her obsessive-compulsive disorder for her basement shrine! Meet, Audrey!

ES: Sounds like a real catch! Heh heh...

S10: Contestant number 2!

Camera zoom to curtain number 2, currently being ripped to shreds by a furry streak

She enjoys gathering nuts for the upcoming winter, hibernating even though it's not TECHNICALLY winter, drooling and foaming at the mouth, especially over a certain red-headed rurouni, making squeaky noises, hopping from tree to tree, tearing stuff apart with her teeth, and transferring rabies to anyone who comes close. Meet unintelligible squirrel noises!

ES: We'll meet the rest of the contestants next time! Now, do your job. And wake up all the readers.

Disclaimer: through megaphone EVIL SCIENTIST DOES NOT OWN RUROUNI KENSHIN!!!!!!!!!!!!

The dinner that night proved to be an interesting one. Six rappers got onto the ship, including Saitou.

So, Kaoru, deaf to the other's protests had to cook for seven more people than usual, or 'sevizzen' as one guy so eloquently put it.

So, lets do an overview of the scene, starting with everyone's favorite captain/ex-hitokiri. Kenshin was holding on valiantly in his struggle to keep everyone at least ten feet from his chair at all times. Kaoru, who needed to make sure Kenshin ate, found a really long pole and dangled a basket of rice balls over to his chair while standing outside the "safety circle".

Kenshin eyed the rice balls tentatively for a moment with the look of a wild animal, then sprang up and grabbed them, yanking them back down to his chest. Snarling and spitting, he crouched over the basket of rice balls and sniffed them, glancing around to see if anyone was threatening his food.

Over at the table, Hiko, Saitou, and Izzo-mizzo CC For-dizzle to the Izzo, bitch! (to use his full title) were ATTEMPTING to have a conversation. Guess what the keyword in that sentence was.

Saitou was attempting to translate for Hiko, and he was doing pretty well, but it made for slow going.

Izzo-mizzo CC For-dizzle to the Izzo, bitch! Would say something like, "Homeboy, whukinda shit chu been given da dude witda red fro, yo?

And Saitou would translate in a corny British accent: "Is the red-haired man on narcotics?"

Hiko would respond, "Yes."

"Damn straight!"

"Da-amnnnnnnn."

Sano was in the process of getting totally smashed, along with Yahiko. Apparently rappers believe that alcohol should be made as strong as physically possible and consumed in large quantities at every opportunity. Take a random blood sample of any rapper and his blood-alcohol limit will be at about 20. It is now such a part of their blood stream that BABIES are born intoxicated.

Anyway, things were not looking good for Sano right now, who kept coming up with random observations like: "dude, this is like, a spaceship." and they were even worse for Yahiko, who kept asking Sano if he thought it would be a good idea to "make his move" on Kenshin's comfy chair.

Megumi was chasing LLJdogFKiMooBBSting around the room with a sleek silver chair, aggravated because he had tried to hit on her.

Kenshin had decided that his rice balls were not in immediate danger, so he was devouring them rabidly, drooling and raining gobs of spitty rice everywhere, while Kaoru jus stood there staring at him with that "aww, he's so cute" expression that mothers get when their children rip the heads off their dolls and start gnawing on them.

Yahiko, having finally decided, with the help of a few beers, that the chair was going to be his next "hot bitch." He walked, or should I say fell, over to the chair in as cool a manner as it is possible to have after six or eight beers. Placing his arm on one of the chairs plush magentas arms, he loosened his collar and delivered his line, "hey hic babyyyyyyyy, ...chuwanna comesitwit hic me?

Sano was totally out of it now, an decided that it was time for a little entertainment. He sauntered up to the front of the room and began his "song"

I brush against da 

_Feckles dat I haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaated _

_SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_

_My love has dissolved dadada_

_I hope I don't barf on my shoes_

_A thorn in my chest_

_Dude, that would hurt_

_More than before_

_Da lady who did my horoscope is a_

_WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE_

_I whish me could be togather_

_And that I had pony_

The rappers who were drinking with Sano chose this moment to add a backbeat, but they were pretty drunk to so It was basically just random crashing.

Mermories are always purty 

_BOOM crash whunk crash_

_So are mermaids_

_Whoom! Whack! "Shit"! bam!_

Kenshin sprang out of his position over the remains of the rice balls and proceeded to chew on Yahiko's head. "heyyyyyy...ya wanna go there aleady, bady...." Yahiko began frenching what he hoped was Kenshin's mouth.

Tonight should be a sad night 

_badoom crash ting_

_But It's not because Ahm drunk _

His gesture, more than any amount of medications or shouting, brought Kenshin straight back to reality.

I understand breaking apart 

"_yeah like the drum you just busted" _screamed one of the rappers

_And not much else deedeedeedeee_

"Oro?"

My girl 

_thud_

_Talkin bout my grill_

Megumi, midway through bashin in LLJdogFKiMooBBSting's head, looked up and asked passionately,"do you really feel that way about me Sano?"

My stuffed frog and wabbit 

_Were actually alive at one time_

_LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA_

"OH SANO!"

Cliffe. Haha. The song sano was "singing" is supposed to be the theme song for the second season

Here are the lyrics that I found, courtesy of 

_I touched those hated freckles lightly and sighed,_

_My "heavy class" love has dissolved clearly_

_Just like a sugarcube._

_The thorn stuck in my thin breast went in further_

_And hurt much more than before._

_Astrology didn't predict that at all._

_I wished we could go together farther,_

_It would be joyful enough to..._

_Memories are always beautiful,_

_But with only that you can't live._

_Tonight should be a really sad night,_

_But why? Actually I can't remember his smiling face._

_I understand breaking apart and putting back together_

_Because that's my personality;_

_With impatient feelings and uncertainty_

_Which nevertheless are capable of good love._

_I pierced my left ear to forget,_

_It's an episode I can't laugh about._

_Counting up the number of freckles_

_Embracing the spots and all_

_But the thorn piercing my breast won't disappear._

_My stuffed frog and rabbit_

_Smile and comfort me._

_Memories are always beautiful,_

_But with only that you can't live._

_It was a really tough night_

_I wonder why though? Why can't I remember that person's tears?_

_I can't remember,_

_Why can't I?_

And the "my girl" line was from the song "My Girl" By the Temptations.


End file.
